Rough Night

The surgery went well. The doctor said I lost a considerable amount of blood. I'm definitely on the mend. . . physically. Emotionally speaking, I have slowly been coming to grips with everything. . . until tonight.

SO many questions. I'm trying so hard to find the answers. I've been awake most of the night crying, researching scriptures, Mormon Doctrine, LDS.org articles from General Authorities and Ensigns of the past, trying to find some peace. Will I ever meet my baby? Will he be resurrected?

This article by Val D. Greenwood was in response to the question - Can we put the names of our miscarried or stillborn children on our family group records? Will these children belong to us in the hereafter?, (“I Have a Question,” Ensign, Sept. 1987, 27–28) The article, at first, sounded like it would have exactly the information I was looking for, but upon close inspection of it, I found very little comfort:

"A miscarriage is delivery of a dead fetus, before it is viable—that is, before it could have lived on its own outside the mother’s womb. A stillbirth is delivery of the dead fetus that has developed to the point where it would normally have been viable, but for some reason is born dead. The line between a miscarriage and a stillbirth is not clear cut, and sometimes there is a question as to whether the fetus was viable."

". . . The question of whether stillborn children will be resurrected and belong to their parents in the hereafter is really the crux of the matter. This question is, as yet, impossible to answer with certainty. Elder Joseph Fielding Smith wrote that “there is no information given by revelation in regard to the status of stillborn children. However, I will express my personal opinion that we should have hope that these little ones will receive a resurrection and then belong to us.” (Doctrines of Salvation, 2:280.) He said nothing about miscarried children."

(This is the part that made me bawl)
". . . It is not clear exactly at what point of development that “certain stage” of quickening—when the spirit makes eternal claim to the body—occurs. Even though quickening occurs before birth, we still do not know definitely when a living soul comes into existence. In fact, some Church leaders have suggested that a living soul does not exist until three essential elements—the body, the spirit, and the breath of life—are all present."

So does that mean that my baby didn't have a "living soul"? I thought that life began when the heart starts beating. Several weeks ago, I saw it's heart beat, I saw it move. I thought that even though very small, whether viable or not, this baby is a child of God and as such will continue to live in His presence.

This quote from Joseph Smith provided some comfort - but does it apply to miscarraiges?:
“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”
Joseph Smith Jr., Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith (1976), 196–97.

I felt at first that naturally we'll be reunited with our baby one day. Even though I'm shaken up at the moment, I do feel that my first impressions were correct. I probably shouldn't question the comforting thoughts that came in the ultrasound room on Monday.

At first, I hesitated to open up about this, but I'm so glad I did. I have been boisted up by your support and your prayers. I am sad but also comforted to know so many of you have been through similar experiences and I appreciate your sharing it with me. And I need your help: if you have any articles, or information that can shed any light on any of this, please share.