The Tracks of My Tears

I love what Adam Lambert did with this song on American Idol. I bought the track on iTunes and now it's stuck in my head. It was originally performed by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles.

The Tracks Of My Tears - AI Lyrics

People say I'm the life of the party
Cause I make a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears. . .
Outside I'm masquerading
Inside my hope is fading
Just a clown
Since you put me down
My smile is my make up
I wear since my break up with you. . .
Take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears.
I need you, I need you, I need.

Kindness

Not pictured: meals and laundry loads. Thank you Mom and Delynn.
a red velvet cupcake, thanks CeeCee and Liz.
a spring bouquet, thanks Josh and Jenny.
fresh baked homemade bread and strawberry jam, thanks Katrina.

Will's New Glasses

A routine eye exam at the school revealed that Master Will was having vision trouble. After seeing our good friend and Optometrist, Dr. Briggs, it was determined that our little man needs to wear glasses. Here they are.



Isn't he cute?

Rough Night

The surgery went well. The doctor said I lost a considerable amount of blood. I'm definitely on the mend. . . physically. Emotionally speaking, I have slowly been coming to grips with everything. . . until tonight.

SO many questions. I'm trying so hard to find the answers. I've been awake most of the night crying, researching scriptures, Mormon Doctrine, LDS.org articles from General Authorities and Ensigns of the past, trying to find some peace. Will I ever meet my baby? Will he be resurrected?

This article by Val D. Greenwood was in response to the question - Can we put the names of our miscarried or stillborn children on our family group records? Will these children belong to us in the hereafter?, (“I Have a Question,” Ensign, Sept. 1987, 27–28) The article, at first, sounded like it would have exactly the information I was looking for, but upon close inspection of it, I found very little comfort:

"A miscarriage is delivery of a dead fetus, before it is viable—that is, before it could have lived on its own outside the mother’s womb. A stillbirth is delivery of the dead fetus that has developed to the point where it would normally have been viable, but for some reason is born dead. The line between a miscarriage and a stillbirth is not clear cut, and sometimes there is a question as to whether the fetus was viable."

". . . The question of whether stillborn children will be resurrected and belong to their parents in the hereafter is really the crux of the matter. This question is, as yet, impossible to answer with certainty. Elder Joseph Fielding Smith wrote that “there is no information given by revelation in regard to the status of stillborn children. However, I will express my personal opinion that we should have hope that these little ones will receive a resurrection and then belong to us.” (Doctrines of Salvation, 2:280.) He said nothing about miscarried children."

(This is the part that made me bawl)
". . . It is not clear exactly at what point of development that “certain stage” of quickening—when the spirit makes eternal claim to the body—occurs. Even though quickening occurs before birth, we still do not know definitely when a living soul comes into existence. In fact, some Church leaders have suggested that a living soul does not exist until three essential elements—the body, the spirit, and the breath of life—are all present."

So does that mean that my baby didn't have a "living soul"? I thought that life began when the heart starts beating. Several weeks ago, I saw it's heart beat, I saw it move. I thought that even though very small, whether viable or not, this baby is a child of God and as such will continue to live in His presence.

This quote from Joseph Smith provided some comfort - but does it apply to miscarraiges?:
“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”
Joseph Smith Jr., Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith (1976), 196–97.

I felt at first that naturally we'll be reunited with our baby one day. Even though I'm shaken up at the moment, I do feel that my first impressions were correct. I probably shouldn't question the comforting thoughts that came in the ultrasound room on Monday.

At first, I hesitated to open up about this, but I'm so glad I did. I have been boisted up by your support and your prayers. I am sad but also comforted to know so many of you have been through similar experiences and I appreciate your sharing it with me. And I need your help: if you have any articles, or information that can shed any light on any of this, please share.

Gone Too Soon

"Oh where oh where can my baby be? The Lord took him away from me. He's gone to heaven so I have to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world."

Over the weekend, some pregnancy complications surfaced and so we rushed to my doctors office this morning to check on the baby. We listened for a heartbeat but heard nothing. This morning I thought I was 12 weeks along, but the ultrasound showed an 8 week old baby. No heartbeat was found. I started shaking uncontrollably at the thought. . . our baby has died.

We are so sad. Devastated.

My first reaction was automatic: convulsive sobbing and asking myself what I did wrong. My second reaction was to stop and think: Heavenly Father wants it this way. The baby was so perfect that he came, got his little body and returned to home. I know that Alfonso and I will get to meet him someday. We're thinking "Him."

I'm having surgery on Wednesday morning, d and c (dilation and curettage). After the procedure, we will not be able to discern the baby's sex. Due to the nature of the procedure, all that will be retrieved is tissue. Part of me wants to hold on to his little body as long as I can. But physically speaking, I know that "he is not here"(Matthew 28:6). He has gone home. "I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God." (John 20:17)

What do you do? This afternoon I read this scripture and it helped me decide what I'll do. "Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation." (2 Nephi 4:30).

The Ice Tree, Exposed

For those of you just joining us, several posts back, I shared some pictures of a remarkable tree in our town. We call it the ice tree and since much of the ice has melted, I thought I'd give you all the inside scoop. Here you see a ladder and a bunch of junk they threw up there.

Poor tree, all that ice definitely took it's toll.

If Barbie Has One, Why Can't I?

I've been wanting to do this for a long time and I've decided that today is the day. FINALLY I'm getting Alfonso's name tattooed on my back (in the tramp stamp region) and it's gonna be awesome. We are actually leaving for Orem right now, so we can be back before the kids get out of school. Wish me luck and please, don't judge me. And mom, if you're reading this. . . I can explain.

Minus 8 Inches, Plus 5 Sickies

- 8 Inches. So on Friday, I went to my favorite short hair stylist and said, "chop it off." So she cut of 8 inches!!!! It's like an a-line bobbish do. LOVE IT!

+ 5 Sickies. Alfonso and Spence had it late last week,and then wham, Will, Ben and I got hit with it. It was like a tidal wave of dehabilitating aches, fevers, and back wrenching coughs. On Saturday, while so many fortunate people were out enjoying the warmish weather we were doing this. . . all day.

Looney Tunes and Chuzzle provided a great deal of comfort. My boys were good sports during the weekend of strict quarantining.

Good news, today (Monday morning at 2 a.m., why I'm awake I don't know) I'm feeling better. I'm hoping the boys do too. . . you know, when they wake up.

Corned Beef and Cabbage

Corned beef and cabbage is good stuff. Especially with vinegar on top. Due to our irish heritage, my family always has corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's Day. I'm really bummed because although my mom awesomely made it for the fam on Sunday night, Ben, Spence, and Will were unable to attend (due to the ever present ex-factor). I was determined to make it yesterday and I didn't. As the fat guy in Fiddler on the Roof said, "Without tradition, we are as shaky as a fiddler on the roof." Hmmm. . . that makes me want a shake.

On second thought, I think the boys couldn't care less, they don't know what they're missing. Rather than obsess further, I shall eat me a shake today, and stress about it next year. Thanks for the idea fat guy.

Thank You, Molly Jackson!

March 7th is a special day.

A year ago, I nervously sat in my car in a crowded parking lot in Heber City, Utah. My great friend Molly Jackson had suggested that I go on a blind date with a terrific guy serving with her husband in the Prospector spanish speaking Branch. I did not know that the person I was about to meet didn't want to come. He was running late after a stressful day at work and due to a laundry shortage, he was wearing his least favorite outfit. I watched each car that passed by, wondering if the driver was the guy I was supposed to meet up with. The low point of the night was when I saw a scrawny hispanic guy with a mustache bigger than his face drive by in a clunky old truck. My breath caught in my throat as I wondered, "Is THAT him?" Soon I got a phonecall where an attractive voice said, "I think I see you right now." I looked out my left window and saw the most welcoming smile I've ever seen. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. . . it was not the mustache guy. Better yet, this guy was REALLY CUTE!!

We went to eat dinner at Fanny's Grill. He told me he liked me. He wasn't planning on attending it, but after meeting me he felt comfortable enough to invite me to attend a small wedding with him at the Branch. It was really cool. After congratulating the bride and groom, we went back to his place and ate vanilla ice cream while watching Live Free or Die Hard. We couldn't stop smiling, and haven't been able to stop since.

Right now, Alfonso and I are walking out the door to eat at Fanny's Grill. He is wearing that same outfit. :)

This is us in Disneyland last July

Molly, I will be eternally grateful to you. Thank you so much for being our matchmaker. I count having Alfonso in my life as one of the greatest blessings yet. I'll always have a special place for you in my heart!
And thank you, Alfonso, for showing up, even though you had to wear that grey striped shirt. And thank you, too, for not being the guy with a mustache.