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(Before you watch this, pause the Josh Groban music below, and make sure you are sitting down.)

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Nothing is Ever Lost

Update: I'm feeling good, much better. I thrive on distractions and busyness and while part of me hesitates to linger on our loss, I recall in a previous post that I promised to share some of the things I've recently learned. Here goes.

Losing a baby at any stage before its birth is a heartwrenching loss and instantly poses many questions. Each situation is so different, each couple, parent, family, and child. I believe our merciful Heavenly Father is mindful of each of His children, their individual questions and situations and, in time, as we seek for God's truth, His enlightenment will come.

I think it can take a lifetime to take the 'miss' out of a miscarraige. And while it will always be 'missed,' I strongly feel that our baby is NOT 'missing.'

The prophet Joseph Smith Jr. taught the following: "A question may be asked - 'Will mothers have their children in eternity?' Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid." While speaking at the funeral of a small child, the prophet pointed to the child's mother and said: "You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit."

President Smith also taught that, "The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." At another time he said, "We came to this earth that we might have a body and present it pure before God in the Celestial Kingdom. The great principle of happiness consists in having a body."

I know our baby recieved a body and inherited it for a time.

The prophet Joseph F. Smith stated, "The body of man enters upon its career as a tiny germ or embryo, which becomes an infant, quickened at a certain stage by the spirit whose tabernacle it is, and the child, after being born, develops into a man." In Mormon Doctrine, Bruce R. McConkie adds that "this interpretation is in harmony with the general knowledge we have of the mercy and justice of that Infinite Being in whose divine economy nothing is ever lost. It would appear that we can look forward with hope and anticipation for the resurrection of stillborn children."

Isn't that wonderful? To God, nothing is ever lost; not a hair of the head, nor a fallen sparrow.

In the Doctrine and Covenants 124:28 the saints were instructed to build this dispensation's first temple unto the Lord. "For there is not a place found on the earth that He may come to and restore again that which was lost unto you, or which He hath taken away. . ."

In the Book of Mormon, Alma 11:44, regarding resurrection, we read, ". . . This restoration shall come to all, both old and young, both bond and free, both male and female, both the wicked and the righteous; and even there shall not so much as a hair of their heads be lost; but everything shall be restored to its perfect frame. . ."

The Savior taught in St. Matthew 10:29-31, "Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father."

"But the very hairs of your head are all numbered."

"Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows."

Does this not apply to an unborn baby? A living and growing embryo with a beating heart and sensitivity to light and sound? I find comfort in knowing that the Lord is in charge and whether or not stillborn children get another chance at coming to this earth, all are in His care. 1 Nephi 9:6,"But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen."

In the meantime. . .



Til we meet again, little one, I'll be missing you.

Listen to This

Jon Schmidt put this arrangment together for his 7-year-old daughter, Sarah. It is a mix of Love Story by Talor Swift and Viva La Vida by Coldplay. At the end of the clip he relates the story behind the music. It's BEAUTIFUL. So, pause the music player at the bottom of my blog and treat your ears to this. . .

Have Hope

Congratulations Mom!

She finished what she started at BYU! On April 23, and 24, we celebrated the graduation of my wonderful mother. She started going to Brigham Young University before any of us were born. After marrying dad, she stopped attending school and started attending to us. Now, years later, she returned to her studies, picking up where she left off. Mom recieved her bachelors degree in Child Development and Family Studies. We're all so proud of her we could bust. Here are some pictures of her experience which my family was privileged to share with her.

The Tracks of My Tears

I love what Adam Lambert did with this song on American Idol. I bought the track on iTunes and now it's stuck in my head. It was originally performed by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles.

The Tracks Of My Tears - AI Lyrics

People say I'm the life of the party
Cause I make a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears. . .
Outside I'm masquerading
Inside my hope is fading
Just a clown
Since you put me down
My smile is my make up
I wear since my break up with you. . .
Take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears.
I need you, I need you, I need.

Kindness

Not pictured: meals and laundry loads. Thank you Mom and Delynn.
a red velvet cupcake, thanks CeeCee and Liz.
a spring bouquet, thanks Josh and Jenny.
fresh baked homemade bread and strawberry jam, thanks Katrina.

Will's New Glasses

A routine eye exam at the school revealed that Master Will was having vision trouble. After seeing our good friend and Optometrist, Dr. Briggs, it was determined that our little man needs to wear glasses. Here they are.



Isn't he cute?

Rough Night

The surgery went well. The doctor said I lost a considerable amount of blood. I'm definitely on the mend. . . physically. Emotionally speaking, I have slowly been coming to grips with everything. . . until tonight.

SO many questions. I'm trying so hard to find the answers. I've been awake most of the night crying, researching scriptures, Mormon Doctrine, LDS.org articles from General Authorities and Ensigns of the past, trying to find some peace. Will I ever meet my baby? Will he be resurrected?

This article by Val D. Greenwood was in response to the question - Can we put the names of our miscarried or stillborn children on our family group records? Will these children belong to us in the hereafter?, (“I Have a Question,” Ensign, Sept. 1987, 27–28) The article, at first, sounded like it would have exactly the information I was looking for, but upon close inspection of it, I found very little comfort:

"A miscarriage is delivery of a dead fetus, before it is viable—that is, before it could have lived on its own outside the mother’s womb. A stillbirth is delivery of the dead fetus that has developed to the point where it would normally have been viable, but for some reason is born dead. The line between a miscarriage and a stillbirth is not clear cut, and sometimes there is a question as to whether the fetus was viable."

". . . The question of whether stillborn children will be resurrected and belong to their parents in the hereafter is really the crux of the matter. This question is, as yet, impossible to answer with certainty. Elder Joseph Fielding Smith wrote that “there is no information given by revelation in regard to the status of stillborn children. However, I will express my personal opinion that we should have hope that these little ones will receive a resurrection and then belong to us.” (Doctrines of Salvation, 2:280.) He said nothing about miscarried children."

(This is the part that made me bawl)
". . . It is not clear exactly at what point of development that “certain stage” of quickening—when the spirit makes eternal claim to the body—occurs. Even though quickening occurs before birth, we still do not know definitely when a living soul comes into existence. In fact, some Church leaders have suggested that a living soul does not exist until three essential elements—the body, the spirit, and the breath of life—are all present."

So does that mean that my baby didn't have a "living soul"? I thought that life began when the heart starts beating. Several weeks ago, I saw it's heart beat, I saw it move. I thought that even though very small, whether viable or not, this baby is a child of God and as such will continue to live in His presence.

This quote from Joseph Smith provided some comfort - but does it apply to miscarraiges?:
“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”
Joseph Smith Jr., Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith (1976), 196–97.

I felt at first that naturally we'll be reunited with our baby one day. Even though I'm shaken up at the moment, I do feel that my first impressions were correct. I probably shouldn't question the comforting thoughts that came in the ultrasound room on Monday.

At first, I hesitated to open up about this, but I'm so glad I did. I have been boisted up by your support and your prayers. I am sad but also comforted to know so many of you have been through similar experiences and I appreciate your sharing it with me. And I need your help: if you have any articles, or information that can shed any light on any of this, please share.

Gone Too Soon

"Oh where oh where can my baby be? The Lord took him away from me. He's gone to heaven so I have to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world."

Over the weekend, some pregnancy complications surfaced and so we rushed to my doctors office this morning to check on the baby. We listened for a heartbeat but heard nothing. This morning I thought I was 12 weeks along, but the ultrasound showed an 8 week old baby. No heartbeat was found. I started shaking uncontrollably at the thought. . . our baby has died.

We are so sad. Devastated.

My first reaction was automatic: convulsive sobbing and asking myself what I did wrong. My second reaction was to stop and think: Heavenly Father wants it this way. The baby was so perfect that he came, got his little body and returned to home. I know that Alfonso and I will get to meet him someday. We're thinking "Him."

I'm having surgery on Wednesday morning, d and c (dilation and curettage). After the procedure, we will not be able to discern the baby's sex. Due to the nature of the procedure, all that will be retrieved is tissue. Part of me wants to hold on to his little body as long as I can. But physically speaking, I know that "he is not here"(Matthew 28:6). He has gone home. "I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God." (John 20:17)

What do you do? This afternoon I read this scripture and it helped me decide what I'll do. "Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation." (2 Nephi 4:30).