you + me = US: Divorce?

Friday, April 4, 2014

Divorce?

Warning: This blogpost contains my opinion. . . take it or leave it.

I just had a dream that two of our neighbors were getting a divorce. These two always seem so in love, the thought of them divorcing seems rediculous. Well, it got me to thinking about divorce and what an ugly word it is. Before I go on, I have to tell you, Alfonso & I have never been happier together. He asks me almost every day if I'll marry him, I never hesitate to say yes.

We both have known the "dark side" of marraige, the pain and suffering that drove us to divorce others in the past. And the pain and suffering that resulted.

Let me tell you about my feelings of divorce. I think many people look at it as a means to an end. I think many people glamorize it as such. Phrases like: "This isnt working." make me cringe. You know what? YOU'RE NOT WORKING. The mentality of: "We should divorce. Our problems will end, our lives will be better in the long run. It'll be hard but we'll both be better for it in the long run. " is so rediculous.

No. No way. I can tell you divorce doesnt work that way. Divorce isn't a means to an end. . . Its only the beginning of your problems.

For starters, and for both parties it is undisputable financial suicide. I don't care who you are. It rips your heart, it tears your soul, it scars you parts of you, you didnt know existed. It forever haunts you. But for your kids? It does all that and more and then shatters your kids entire world & sense of security. Not a day goes by that I dont see results of divorce STILL affecting one of our three boys. If you think that divorce will end your interactions with your former spouse, you're wrong. Especially if you have children together. You will see, interact, coordinate, still agree or disagree with them on a regular basis. In some ways maybe indirectly, but daily. Co-parenting does not end with divorce.

I dont think that divorce should ever be considered unless is in an absolute LAST resort. Only if the marraige in jeopardy is worse than the beast I've been describing and even then, only if you have done EVERYTHING in your power to make it work. (And I mean EVERYTHING). When I got divorced I'd be frustrated when my lawyer asked repeatedly if there was ANYTHING we could do to save the marriage. I wanted to reply, "Of course not. Thats why we're here. Let's get this over with." But that sweet old man knew exactly what he was saying & I'd like to echo it. Is there anything that can still be done? To save it? Any stone unturned? Any fraction of a chance for it to survive? Any pride that can be replaced with painfully Christ-like love? If the answer is yes. Dont give up. Dont throw in the towel. YOU put the "work" into "making it work." You won't regret it.

You may ask, "How can she say this?" "How can she advise to never give up, when she gave up and divorced ten years ago?" I can answer that without hesitation. I never gave up. When my past marriage failure and divorce attempts to haunt me, I can say with a clear conscience that with God's divine help, I did EVERYTHING I could.

And only then-with that well-earned peace of mind can I truly enjoy the new life he's given me and this second chance that I will never, NEVER take for granted.

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Kids Say The Darndest Things

9/8/14 After a massive pillow fight with Spence and Will, Mia fell to the floor and exclaimed, "I'm soaking tired!"

5/15/14 We were watching a Baby Einstein movie featuring a rhino puppet. Mia said, "Mom, that rhinoceros is a genius."

5/13/14 Mia just told me some disturbing news about her imaginary friend. "Squella, not like you, so her is hiding." I even offered Squella a popsicle to bribe her into liking me and she wouldn't budge.
5 minutes later:
No wait, Mia just informed me, "Her likes you now. Her gets a pop-is-cle."

5/02/14 Mia has been coming up with some unique names for her imaginary friends, Squilla, Quinley, Tortilla are just a few. Well today she was talking to her friend Celia and said,
"What's your Cat's name, Celia?
"Tiddley-Dee"
"Oh!!! GREAT name!!!"
Later, I asked her later about the cat and found out that there are TWO! One cat's name is "Tilly-Tina" and the other's name is "Tiddley-Dee."

4/21/14 Mia was shouting at me from the bathroom in a bossy way. I said, "Mia, don't talk to me like that." She said. "I YELLING at you." I needed to leave the room and she shouted again and said, "Mommy come here, right now. I gon count and you gon go in time-out!!!" Sweet swirling onion rings, I'm in for it.

4/4/14 While enjoying a chocolate chip cookie together, I asked, "Mia, why is chocolate soooooo good?" To which she naturally replied, "Cuz we gon' eat it."
Best reason ever.

1/07/14 At the store, at the top of her lungs, in attempt to tell me that she's going to "crack me up" Mia shouted, "Mom, I go a crap you up!"

12/11/13 Today at story time Miss Sally was teaching the kids about the color red. She was pointing out those with red hair. She said, "This little boy has red hair, and look, this mommy has red hair. And this mommy has red hair!" There was a pause and Mia shouted out, "I HAVE TWO MOMMIES!" All the parents looked around, Miss Sally bewildered, looked at me. Appalled I laughed and said loudly, "I have NO IDEA what she's talking about." Everyone started laughing. . . hard! For the life of me I couldn't figure out why she'd say that. So afterwards I asked Mia, and she pointed to the two mommies with red hair and said, "See? Two mommies!" Ohhhhhh, now I get it. Two mommies with red hair.

12/14/13 The dinner table was busy with multiple conversations occurring at once when Mia said, "Hey Will, this song my favorite: (in sing-song)
Hello Kitty, Hello Kitty,
I like Hello Kitty"

12/03/13 Ben was teasing Mia on the couch. When she angrily yelled, "Ben, DON'T BLOW ME! I NOT a bubble!!!"

11/13/13 Today I was crying and couldn't stop. Mia dropped what she was doing and ran up and said, "Hold me, you feel better!" I hugged her tight and put her down. A few seconds later she came up and said, "Here Mom, a have a Kleenex."

Lately, Whenever we are having a nice snuggle moment as a family, Mia will come up and say, "All To-ah-gedder."

10/13/13 I need to preface this by saying, Mia's word for "girl" is "grill." After church Mia got very upset and ran to her room. Alfonso went up to try to comfort her and said, "Don't cry, Mia." To which she responded, "But grills like to cry."

09/25/13 Mia and I were playing with pretend snakes. In their "conversation", they made a deal and so I told her, "Let's shake on it." she immediately began to violently shake the snake.

08/24/13 Once again, Pandora displayed the album cover (One World's Acoustic) of Justin Bieber on the screen. Mia looked at it again and said, "Mom, look! A doggie. Doggie wif guitar."

08/21/13 Pandora displayed an album cover of Justin Bieber on the t.v. Mia, startled a little by the music, looked up at the screen, studied for a minute and said, "Cute doggie!"

08/19/13 As we were all getting ready to go swimming, Mia was excitedly showing everyone her "swimming soup."

08/17/12 A day after I taught Will about the Star of David, Will was playing with a couple of triangle magnets. When he had overlapped them just right he held them up and said, "Look, it's Jared's star!"

08/16/12 After taking off Ben's newly acquired football gear, Will sat next to me, sighed, and said, "It's nice to have a football player in the house."

07/24/12 I was looking at my wedding ring while tucking Will in to bed. Will noticed and said, "That's a pretty fancy ring." I said, "It is. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever owned. But I love it mostly for what it stands for." Will surprised me when he responded, "You love it because it reminds you of the day you got married. Even if it was made of wood, it would be a still be a great treasure."

07/23/12 After a run to Dairy Keen, Will shared the following insight: "The most humblest flavor of ice cream in the whole entire world is vanilla." When I asked why, he said, "Because it's simple, it's plain, and it's always there. "

07/05/12 Fearing that Mia might ruin his pillow fort, Will asked, "Mom, can we put her to sleep?"

06/28/12 As we were setting the table for breakfast, Will (7)said, "I'm a simple man." I couldn't help but smile. "I'm a simple man with complex thoughts." Did I mention, he's 7???

06/25/12 While I was looking for a rubber band, Spencer handed a large one to me and proudly said, "I wear 5 rubber bands on my wrist at all times."

06/22/12 For the second time, Spencer said, "I don't believe in sarcasm." I argued that sarcasm does exsist and gave him an example. His response, "I call that oppositism."

06/03/12 While we were driving, Spencer spotted a slowly oncoming tractor and car and said, " 'Wow, tractors drive slow!' thought the lady in the green car."

06/03/12 We had watched a bunch of old footage of Beatles performing some of their hits, when Will yelled out, "Can we PLEASE stop listening to classical music?"

05/12/12 Trying to explain to our sick kids why we couldn't have friends come play, I said, "We need to get this virus out of our house." Will said, "Lets give it to someone else!"

03/03/12 Will just said, "I have a faculty butt."

03/01/12 Will told Ben that from now on he wants to be called Bethica, queen of the sea.

03/01/12 Will came inside from shoveling snow with cold hands. After explaining to me that the problem was his gloves, he asked,"Can I have an upgrade?"

11/29/11 Me: "Will, what do you want the person you marry to be like?" Will: "Hot and sexy." Room fills with shock & stifled laughter. Me: "Will. . . what does it mean to be hot?" Will: "That you just came out of the desert."

11/28/11 When it's time for oracion/prayer, Mia oftentimes will fold her arms and talk quietly while the prayer is said. At the end we say "amen." She loudly says, "BOB!"

11/26/11 Alfonso swatted at the pesky fly once again. "It's taunting me." He said. Will exclaims, "It's taunting you??" Mutters to self, "I hate taunting flies."

11/10/11 Will walked in the door and when he saw his friend Annie sitting on the couch said, "I knew this day had something special in it." "What?" Annie asked. "You! I knew you were coming over. You make today special."

11/10/11 In the car, Annie (a girl I'm tending) said, "Jesus is so lucky! He gets to be born on Christmas, huh!"

09-09-11 Alfonso and I went on a date for our anniversary and left the kids with family. After we picked up the kids, Will politely asked, "Were there a lot of people at the anniversary?"

09-08-11 At the breakfast table, I was telling the kids that tomorrow would be Alfonso and my anniversary. Will lowered his head and said, "I'm glad I don't have to see that."

09-07-11 At a restaurant, we were all joking back and forth and Will said, "You gotta be pushing my leg!"

08-20-11 At our moving sale, my 3-year-old neice, Nicole held up a shiny quarter and said, "Look, I have a quenny."

08-20-11 5 minutes later, Nicole was whining. Her Mom, D.D. said, "I'm not going to talk to you until you use a big girl voice." Nicole gave her a mean look and said, "But you just talked to me."

08-19-11 Will, sitting at the table kept singing, "Can't you see, I love my pancreas, look at me, I love my pancreas." Over and over. Thank you, Wierd Al.

08-19-11 Quite proud of himself and giggling a little, Spencer announced, "Faster than a speeding two-year-old, able to leap a towering pile of laundry, it's SUPERMOM!!!"

04-29-11 We had just finished a large meal at Chick's Cafe when Spencer leaned back in his chair and energetcally patted his stomach saying, "Now I know what Santa feels like."

04-28-11 Will was helping me pull our huge new stroller out of its box. His job was to pull the box down as I held the stroller up off the ground. It wouldn't budge. He paused and said, "Wait, should I go drink some milk, to make my muscles stronger?"

About Us

Our blended family is many years and obstacles in the making. We two were raised in separate countries, different cultures and upbringings. For each of us, God's blessed broken road weaved through marraige, the birth of a child (or two) and a painful divorce, in the end, leaving a himless her and a herless him. We met on a blind date in 2008 and haven't been able to stay away from each other since. Married for time and all eternity in the Salt Lake Temple, we and our four children are determined to BE a forever family. This blog is an account of our daily lives, our ups and downs, and our journey to become "one."