Divorce?

Warning: This blogpost contains my opinion. . . take it or leave it.

 

I just had a dream that two of our neighbors were getting a divorce. These two always seem so in love, the thought of them divorcing seems rediculous. Well, it got me to thinking about divorce and what an ugly word it is. Before I go on, I have to tell you, Alfonso & I have never been happier together. He asks me almost every day if I'll marry him, I never hesitate to say yes.

 

We both have known the "dark side" of marraige, the pain and suffering that drove us to divorce others in the past. And the pain and suffering that resulted.

 

Let me tell you about my feelings of divorce. I think many people look at it as a means to an end. I think many people glamorize it as such. Phrases like: "This isnt working." make me cringe. You know what? YOU'RE NOT WORKING. The mentality of: "We should divorce. Our problems will end, our lives will be better in the long run. It'll be hard but we'll both be better for it in the long run. " is so rediculous.

 

No. No way. I can tell you divorce doesnt work that way. Divorce isn't a means to an end. . . Its only the beginning of your problems.

 

For starters, and for both parties it is undisputable financial suicide. I don't care who you are. It rips your heart, it tears your soul, it scars you parts of you, you didnt know existed. It forever haunts you. But for your kids? It does all that and more and then shatters your kids entire world & sense of security. Not a day goes by that I dont see results of divorce STILL affecting one of our three boys. If you think that divorce will end your interactions with your former spouse, you're wrong. Especially if you have children together. You will see, interact, coordinate, still agree or disagree with them on a regular basis. In some ways maybe indirectly, but daily. Co-parenting does not end with divorce.

 

I dont think that divorce should ever be considered unless is in an absolute LAST resort. Only if the marraige in jeopardy is worse than the beast I've been describing and even then, only if you have done EVERYTHING in your power to make it work. (And I mean EVERYTHING). When I got divorced I'd be frustrated when my lawyer asked repeatedly if there was ANYTHING we could do to save the marriage. I wanted to reply, "Of course not. Thats why we're here. Let's get this over with." But that sweet old man knew exactly what he was saying & I'd like to echo it. Is there anything that can still be done? To save it? Any stone unturned? Any fraction of a chance for it to survive? Any pride that can be replaced with painfully Christ-like love? If the answer is yes. Dont give up. Dont throw in the towel. YOU put the "work" into "making it work." You won't regret it.

 

You may ask, "How can she say this?"  "How can she advise to never give up, when she gave up and divorced ten years ago?" I can answer that without hesitation. I never gave up. When my past marriage failure and divorce attempts to haunt me, I can say with a clear conscience that with God's divine help, I did EVERYTHING I could.

 

And only then-with that well-earned peace of mind can I truly enjoy the new life he's given me and this second chance that I will never, NEVER take for granted.

 

A Strong Reminder

Mia's having trouble learning how to dress/undress herself. Tonight, I was so tired. It was time to get ready for bed. She wasn't listening to me and I guess I lost my temper.
She looked up at me and with a hurt expression, said, "Mom, why are you angry?"
I was caught off guard a little and answered, "I don't know, I guess I just can't help it."
Do you know what she said to me?

She looked right into my eyes, dead serious, and said, "You need to be stronger."

YOU NEED TO BE STRONGER. It's true, I do need to be stronger. I just never expected my three-year-old to be the one to tell me. This is a girl who still manages to form the most adorably incorrect sentences. But tonight she spoke to me with wisdom beyond her years. I was and am very humbled.
Thank you Mia.
I'll be stronger.

Tomorrow's Mountain

Life is such a struggle.
Listen to me talk, I've have a good life. I'm very fortunate, and while troubles heap up around me, I know without a doubt that things could ALWAYS be worse. 
But really, life is tough.
Just as soon as we feel like we've overcome an obstacle; the moment we've reached the top of a mountain, we find we're standing at the foot of another.

Waiting to be climbed.

Only to be followed by another mountain and another and so on, and so on til the day we die. Depressed yet?
Maybe I am, tonight.

The truth is, our success or failure in this life depends entirely on our attitude. We've been dealt a hand of reality. A heaping helping of things we cannot change, and unabashed challenge to identify and do something about the things we can.

There are a few things I can be sure of. I know who I'm climbing with. I know that their companionship, support and presence makes this journey infinitely better. I know that I'm climbing for a reason. I know that I'm going somewhere. This series of mountains isn't torture. It's not designed to trick me, or punish me. It's to make me stronger. It's to bring me joy. When better to experience joy, then when standing at the top of a peak, feeling the wind in my hair, and knowing that my efforts and struggles and the grace of God made the view possible.

So tonight, instead of being overwhelmed by what rough patches may wait for me in the very near future, I can enjoy where I am now. I can enjoy the peace I feel from doing what I believe and know is right. I can sleep well knowing that I put in a good day's work. I can pat myself on the back because I didn't lash out on anyone who may have driven me to the brink of sanity. I can take a moment to listen to the voices of the people around me that I love, and embrace the chaos. I can tell them I love them. I can show them I love them. I can know that after a night of attempted rest, and a sincere prayer on my knees, I will have everything I need to climb tomorrow. 

"In or Out?"

Justin said, "Roach, are you in or out?" I said, "In". A few other people said "in" too. He held up a spoon and said, "Okay, we are going to pass this to each other. When it's your turn to hold the spoon you have to put some food on it, then pass it to the next person. If any food falls off while you are holding the spoon, you're out and you have to eat EVERYTHING on it."

You can't tell from this picture but the spoon had a heap of lovely food on it: at least 1 tsp. salt, sugar, cottage cheese, onion, a beet, thousand island dressing, sweet relish, you get the picture. . . 

Guess who dropped something?

Guess how disgusting it was?

Very.

I love his face in these pics.

   

Unexpected Goodbye

This is personal stuff, but I just have to send it out there. Maybe I'm pretending he'll read it.
But I just found out a spectacular human being, and dear friend, Justin Kinnaird, died today. I don't know how it happened. I don't know why it happened. I have so many mixed emotions right now. The one that rules them all is sadness. So many memories. This was a person who was kind to everyone. He was generous. He was hilarious. I cried so many times because he had me in stitches. We went on trips together, small spontaneous ones. Vegas, Lake Powell, Salmon. Our performing group at Ricks toured the northwestern U.S. and Canada. So many memories. We wrote a boring English paper together with Suzy on whether or not St. John's Wort was effective.  Who cares? He, Suzy and I spent hours in his "men only" dorm room listening to music and goofing off. We spent more time joking around than giving it any real effort. We loved to sing together. He loved it when I sang, "I have dreamed." He was always ready to pay a compliment and make a person feel worthwhile. He was always ready to see humor in any situation.
Laughter, music, more laughter. Good Friendship.

I was bawling in the kitchen tonight, trashing myself because I've been such a bad friend.
Distance, it happens. And I didn't really do anything to stop it. Then again, neither did he.
But Alfonso said that life goes on. We head down our different paths. Just because those paths don't always coincide doesn't mean our memories weren't real or our friendship isn't true.

My path has led me here.
His path has led him home.
We can still be and always will be friends. Always.
I pray that God will love him, hug him tight, and help him know that I care.

And as for the distance, I do have regret.
Regret.
My choir teacher, Ms. Webb always told us to "Live without regrets"
I never thought to ask her,
What if we mess up and end up having regrets?
What if our friends die?
How do we resolve regrets then?

Now there's a good question that I can't answer tonight.

What I can do:
I can pray for him.
I can pray for his family.
I can hope for his happiness.
I can recall our many memories with fondness.

I can still see him in his mom's living room that afternoon, I turned to leave and he gave me my coat and said with New York accent and a smile, "Don't be a stranger."


You'll be missed.

 

Happy Thursday

I've been having a rough little while and Alfonso knows it all to well. Tonight he walked in the door with these flowers & chocolate. I was speechless. Still am.

He told me that the cashier at the supermarket asked him,
"Birthday or Anniversary?"

 

Alfonso answered,

 

"Thursday."

 

Guys take notes. Pardon me while I gush, but this man knows what he's doing. He is the absolute most thoughtful person I've ever met. He knows how to make everyday count. And I'm thankful for every single one.

 

Happy Thursday.

January 2014. . .

So December was insane. January is okay in my book. If there's too many pictures of Mia, I'm sorry, she's just so cute and growing so fast. Faster than anyone else in the house. Gotta capture everything I can. Right? Here's a few things we've been up to:

Mia wanted to be a princess so she put on her crown cousin Austin made her
and the cape cousin Eric gave her.
Ta-daaaa!
 

Check out her adorable cape! Thanks Aunt Lindsay!

Ben played a duet with his friend at school, Logan.
Their band the Beatles' Apprentice. They played "Hey Jude" It was AWESOME!!!

Mia got a (long overdue) big girl bed.
She loves it and to be honest, so do I.

This is what happens when you mix Stk Conference with Stickers and two cuties.
Ben is such a good sport and an awesome brother.

More "Conference" Stickers.

Will and Mia in her rocking chair. My two babies :)
 

Burger King. Free crowns. Cinnabons. You can't go wrong.

I tried to think of a good caption, but I think this picture stands pretty well on it's own.

I Can't Help Myself

Santa Claus was extra insightful this year and brought a ballet outfit for mia to wear to dance class. Tonight, she finally tried it on for size. All I can say is,  seriously? SERIOUSLY???!!!

I. Can't. Handle. The. Cuteness.

 i I think we'll keep it. . . and her.

Day 4

This virus sucks. 5 out of the 6 of us have it or have recently had it. But it hits little people the hardest. Poor Mia. Has anyone else had this? Fever, headache, sore throat, cough, runny faucet of a nose, lethergy. All in one nasty ruthless bundle. 

Avoid it people.

It be nasty.

Help Meg!!!

This is my cousin Tammy's sweet little girl, Meg. They need help. Please read her story and try to help them in any way you can. Sharing, funding, support or lodging while the procedure is done in New York. Let me know if you have any questions. THANK YOU!!!

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